March 5th
“Last week I was thinking about
what games to buy; this week I’m thinking about arming myself.”
These were the words of a Ukrainian
guy I heard interviewed on NPR. Talk about playing the last week at this time
game…
Still, I’m playing with time and going back weeks, months, years. It seems like photos make time seem that much more tangible.
I don’t mind not being able to see what’s coming; divining the future was never one of my three wishes. (Though—I have to admit—my number one wish was always the greedy, ‘I want more wishes!’ wish!) Of course, I did always want to be like Bewitched, and touch my nose and make magic happen—or maybe more like I Dream of Jeannie (always liked the outfit), so I could just cross my arms and nod my head to make some magic happen.
However, and maybe, I’ve matured a bit. Though I still have many wishes, these days, I speak my wishes aloud, with palms pressed together in front of my chest, while I’m standing on my favorite rock at Davenport Park, feeling the sun on my face, and facing the ever-inspirational water. These days, I wish for the health and wellbeing of my children and my loved ones. I wish for food and shelter and equity of treatment for all. And I wish for peace. These days, my wishes are more embracing of a larger picture.
March 12th
It’s a rainy/snowy day. I’ve
finished Educated, by Tara Westover, and have re-started Calypso, by David
Sedaris. I’ve got Caste, by Isabel Wilkerson, The Beekeeper of Aleppo, by Christy
Lefteri, and am continuing We are Each
Other’s Harvest, by Natalie Baszile.
My book pile is my treasure. The books are filled with ideas that will plant themselves in my head, and will be woven in between my own thoughts—will support the ideas and beliefs I have. They will make me laugh. They will make me cry. Most of all, they will make me think. I start, and then put them aside so that I can write. The words the spring forth—though inspired by the words I’ve read, expressions I yearn to adopt—sometimes I feel like they might not be mine, but my brain envelops them, embraces them all, and moves them into the realm of my own usage. They become mine.
Though I’m writing, I am distracted by my book pile. I stop
writing, and look—due to force of habit—at my phone. I scroll through my
messages. There are many I could/should erase. I’ve kept a few from my aunt; she passed away
last year. I can’t erase her messages. Yet.
I listen to her voice and a collage of tangled memories
comes fourth—and though they delight me on one hand, they deeply sadden me. I
haven’t been able to listen to my mother’s voice—recordings—since she passed
away, now almost exactly 4 years ago. Wow. Four years. I imagine speaking with her—I have so many
questions that are known lying, suspended in air. Unanswered. I also think
about what I’d like to update her with.
March 13th
The sun is out—the wind is biting, but the sun manages to
wiggle its way onto my face and I hold it there. I’m walking/running—and
watching others do the same.
I see a young man, walking near Viva Grande in New Rochelle,
and talking on the phone. I can hear him speaking in Spanish—commenting on the
weather, “A veces, sí—demasiado frío,” and I imagine he’s arrived, perhaps from
Mexico—judging by his accent--not too long ago, and recounting bits of his
job…and the weather. The wind is
whipping is straight black hair around, but he lets it go. I want to see whom
he’s speaking with, and imagine his mother—and maybe others gathered around. He
smiles at me—perhaps because he sees me watching his hair dance. I smile an
hola back to him.
My thoughts drift. I think about other young—and older men—
and women, in his same position: those who have left their country and family
behind in search of opportunities.
March 16
It’s back to spring. The
children’s squeals at Trinity Elementary School are paralleled by the parrots’ squawks.
I wonder if they notice each other.
The children are not wearing masks—only wait, some have them as a kind of chin strap. I imagine their moms saying, “Make sure you keep your mask on!”
That brings me to thoughts of my mom, who passed away almost exactly four years
ago, in four days.
Now running, I'm at the bottom edge of Davenport Park. The water glistens in the sun. I climb atop my prayer rock, the large one that rests right over the Long Island Sound. I think of peace, stability, sanity, health—and all the people I want to send warm thoughts to. I close my eyes and let the sun rest on my face. I tell my parents I love and miss them.
I turn around, and run up the hill back to the street. Running up the hill today seems easier, but still, it’s not easy.
Then I run back to Viva Grande, my market, where I’ll pick up
some vegetables and more for dinner.
